Blinding
by got2bizee
Summary: AU. He'd been trying to tell her something important, leaving her clues along the way. Clue's uncovering events that had been set in motion a long time ago. Now, she had to put the pieces together. Ruthie/Mac/Martin/Jack/Jane/Meredith/Margaret
1. Chapter 1

Greatly Inspired by the song: Blinding by Florence and The Machine.

The story will feature lyrics from the song through out the chapters.

"_And I could hear the thunder and see the lightning crack  
All around the world was waking, I never could go back  
Cos all the walls of dreaming, they were torn wide open  
And finally it seemed that the spell was broken"_

_~*~_

_She smelled the heave scent of roses in the air. She knew it was impossible from where she stood, but how? she doesn't really know. It wasn't like She had actually been here before, of that she was sure, but she just knew that span of the lake had been surrounded by shrubs and overgrown weeds along edges, yet the scent had been so strong and over powering that she was sure they had to be near. She tried to move closer, but her feet felt wobbly and unbalanced as she stood on top of the rocks- waves of water crashing underneath them. When she looked down, she saw the silvery moon being reflected on the murky waters of the lake and then she saw them, the white petal of roses floating around aimlessly where they hadn't before. At that moment she felt an overwhelming sense of sadness. _

_Then, like a projector changing from one slide to the next, she found herself under the water and everything went pitch black. _

_This was it, she thought. She could fell his strength pushing her further down. His face was a shadow but she knew who he was. Two strong hands tightly placed on her shoulders, preventing her from coming up for air. She realized that he wasn't going to let her go--not until she was gone._

_Her lugs were burning now, collapsing, as she struggled to keep her last breath. She kicked and screamed, but she only swallowed more water. She felt light headed, like everything that made her was disconnecting. _

_In the cruel wintry night of December she let the silence consumed her._

_Arms floated weightlessly as she let the darkness come over._

_He'd killed her, just like he'd always promised he would._

~*~

"Ruthie, honey wake up."

Ruthie's eyes flew open as she gasped for air, heart beating so fast she thought it would jump out of her chest.

I'd been another dream. A dream that seemed too real this time.

Annie, her mother, was sitting next to her on the bed.

"Honey," her mother's brow creased with worry. She brushed away some hairs from Ruthie face. "Was it another nightmare?"

"No" Ruthie said and she was, of course, lying.

She'd been having strange dreams for the past week. This one had been the most resent one, and the most vivid of all. She'd been in the lake surrounded by rose petals, and there was always someone out to get her-- someone who wanted her dead. It was just a stupid dream she'd told herself, though the uneasy feeling she often felt after waking still remained.

Ruthie's eyes scanned the room. She was in her room and it was morning. The sun's rays were penetrating through the thin yellow curtains like pointed lasers, casting a soft warm light inside. I'd been a dream. No, one big horrible nightmare.

"Where's Mac?" Ruthie asked.

Annie shook her head, looking concerned. "Ruthie, he's gone. You know that."

Ruthie, who of course knew this, sunk back into her bed, covering her face with the comforter not wanting to hear anymore. Unlike the nightmares that had plagued her for the past couple of days, this wasn't a nightmare she could simply wake herself up from. The accident had really happened. Every day for the past three weeks she'd woken up, and everyday she prayed for it just to a dream, but it never was.

The photo of Mac still lay on the side of the pillow next to hers. With one swift move of a hand she grabbed it and clutched it close to her chest. Ruthie turned away, and scooted herself to his side of the bed, curling her legs up to herself and allowing her eyes to close. It was only then that she allowed the tears to run free. She'd wished that they would all just leave her alone.

With every scent that invaded the room, his began to fade away. Ruthie could hardly smell him anymore.

"Here" Annie said, carefully peeling off the comforter from Ruthie's face.

Annie had placed a bowl of soup with a small bag of saline crackers on the nightstand. The hot steam could still be seen lingering in the air. It smelled like tomato soup.

"I don't want it."

"You have to eat" Annie insisted in a motherly voice that would normally work on Ruthie, but now all she wanted was to be left alone.

"I don't have to do anything." Ruthie snapped back, burying her face further into the flowery sheets.

Annie sighed and reached for the crackers, unwrapping the small bag patiently.

"Well, if you don't want to do it for yourself." She said, "Do it for my grandson."

Grabbing the spoon, Annie began to stir the soup next.

Ruthie's hands instinctually went to her abdomen, encircling her hands around her growing belly. She was six months pregnant now; the only indication of the fact had been the tiny bump sticking out like a small watermelon. At the mention of food her stomach growled in protest as if on cue.

And still, how could Ruthie explain to her mom that all she wanted was to fade away? The thought always made her feel guilty afterward. Ruthie knew she couldn't disappear now. She had to eat even if hunger was the last thing on her mind, if not for herself, for the baby growing inside of her who depended on her to keep him safe.

She reluctantly brought herself up, resting her upper body against the headboard of the bed. She ate in silence as she watched her mom maneuvering herself around the room, picking and folding clothes that had been disposed of on the floor from the day before.

I'd been a routine for the past couple of weeks for Annie to come into Ruthie's room, bring her breakfast, and clean her room. Ruthie knew that the rest of the house had probably been clean spotless, with all the laundry done for the day. Her mom and sister Lucy had been like working ants, taking care of the daily chores. They'd been staying at her apartment for three weeks now. Ever since the day of the car accident.

"Thanks." Ruthie said as took a bite from a cracker, "It's delicious."

In reality Ruthie hadn't taken that time to notice if it was delicious or not. All foods tended to taste the same when no time was taken to savor it or care to, anyways.

"Ruthie, you've never really liked tomato soup."

Annie smiled, and then added, "I'm just glad I don't have to fight you so hard to get you to eat something."

"I'm sorry for that." Ruthie said quietly as she cooled her soap.

"Make sure you eat everything" Annie said gently.

"Is Lucy here?" Ruthie asked, because Lucy would usually be joining them by now.

"Yes. She's with our first visitor of the morning actually." Her mom answered, distracted as she used her hands as dusters to clean and un-wrinkle the curtains the hung on the window.

Ruthie made a face. Visitors usually meant people who came over to the apartment to offer their deepest condolences. She knew they meant well, but with every visitor that came, it forced her to face the fact that he was gone for good, that she would never see him again. Ruthie already couldn't wait until who ever it was left.

"He's been waiting all morning to see you." Annie commented. Ruthie could feel her mom watching her from the corner of her eye. She was waiting for her to ask.

"Who is it?"

Her mom turned, and then said. "Martin Brewer."


	2. Chapter 2

_No more calling like a crow for a boy, for a body in a garden._

~*~

Ruthie set the bowl carefully down on the table stand.

"I'll be down in a moment." She said after a moment.

Annie nodded. Ruthie could see her mom was pleased by this but said nothing as she continued around the room.

He growing belling had minimized how quick she moved by at least half, so now Ruthie was left to waddle her way out of bed and slowly headed to the bathroom to wash her face and teeth. When she came back into the room her mother was gone along with the food. Good, Ruthie thought, she wasn't sure if she could down any more of it. In the bed there lay some clothes her mom had picked out. Ruthie changed quickly, pulling a bundle of auburn curls back into a lazy bun.

She could already hear the low murmur of voices coming from the living room as she made her way downstairs.

"She had been in this sort of catatonic state, we thought she would never come out of. She hardly wants to eat. Hardly wants to gets out from this apartment. Sometimes we just don't know what to do Martin. The only thing that seems to keep her going is the baby." Lucy said in a low voice. "Sometimes she wakes up asking for him as if he were still alive…its sad."

Ruthie froze on the step. Where they talking about her?

"Lucy," Anne's wary voice interrupted from somewhere. "She's not as bad as before. She's getting better."

"Better mom?" Lucy's voice seemed to rise in contradiction. "You have to practically force fed her every single day and-"

"It's understandable." It was a male voice. Martin's voice. Ruthie had almost forgotten that voice except for deepness and strength that was hard to mistake.

Ruthie carefully walked down a few more steps. She wanted to hear more. Hear what everyone really thought of her. She went down the steps and when she thought it was within safe distance she peaked down only to see Martin staring at the staircase, their eyes meeting. Damn, he must have heard her coming down.

Lucy also turned and spotted Ruthie standing there.

Ruthie paused for a moment not sure of her next move. She wanted to run away, hide in her covers where she could pretend that it was three weeks earlier. But something inside her kept her rooted there.

One, two, three. She clenched her fist into a tight ball and then released them. She had to be strong. With as much grace as she could muster she walked the small distance into the living room.

Martin quickly stood up from where he'd been sitting.

"Hi Martin," Ruthie managed a smile as she greeted him, keeping her distance just a few feet away from where they stood.

"Hi Ruthie." He said, shoving his hands into his jean pockets, and he looke happy to see her.

"Lucy." Ruthie turned to greet her older sister.

"Ruthie, I-I didn't know." Lucy struggled with the words, but Ruthie stopped her.

"Thanks for keeping Martin company while I was upstairs." She smiled, a lip tight smile, in appreciation.

Ruthie wouldn't let it get to her. She had known that they didn't understand so she would not bother anymore. She would just ignore it.

"Lucy why don't we go and get into the kitchen and get our guest something to drink." Her mom suggested as she gestured at Lucy to join her. Lucy stood up without reproach, being careful not to make eye contact when she brushed pass Ruthie. They left before Martin got a chance to respond.

"Sit, Please." Ruthie offered as she took a seat on the opposite sofa chair.

He waited for her to be seated before doing the same. He sat hunched over, resting his elbows on his knees and clasping his hands together not saying anything only eyes would dart from her face to her stomach.

A deafening silence seemed to fall between them.

At last, Ruthie cleared her throat-- placing a hand over her abdomen at the uncomfortable feeling of being stared at.

"What brings you here?" She asked.

Martin Brewer had been one of Mac's dearest and oldest friends from high school, one of hers as well. Both boys had played baseball together after Martin had moved to Glenoak when he was fifteen after his father agreed to let him live with her family while his father, Beau Brewer, finished his tour over at Iraq.

The two friends had shared the 'bros over ho's' code of honor long before they'd met any girl worth the dismantling of said code. Martin had even been best man at their wedding, but he was hardly around since he lived across the country in Connecticut, were he'd been living in New Canaan after he finished law school. He'd been working for Jane's father, Clark Harrington at his law firm. He'd been doing real well for himself.

To Ruthie, he would always be that boy her fifteen-year-old self thought it so in love with. In truth, the entire girl population at Kennedy High had a crush on him, but those had been different times. Happier one's when it was trial and error, until she fell for his bestfriend and knew he'd be the one, but she wasnt going to go there.

The last time Ruthie had seen him had been the day of the funeral three weeks ago. At the elegy talking to her brothers, Simon and Matt and her dad Eric.

Ruthie had thought that Martin had gone back to Canaan after the funeral, but he was still in Glenoak in her living room.

His surprised eyes shot up to meet hers. "I wanted to see how you were." He stumbled the words out. "I…I would have come sooner but I wasn't sure if you wanted to see anyone. How are you?"

She could tell the concern was genuine.

"Even." she shrugged, rubbed both hands over her shoulders at the cold temperature in the room. Had the room always been this chilly?

By the look on his face he was not getting it.

She smiled. "Not sad or happy. Just even? I guess numb is a better way of putting it."

He seemed to study her face for a while, and then said. "I get it. After my mom died I felt exactly like that. Everything was just a flat line. A numbness that feels like it has no beginning or end. It gets easier, I promise."

"Yeah, well to some that's not good enough. Must be that some of us take longer than a light-second to get over losing someone." She replied, pointing at the door up ahead.

He nodded, looking awkwardly at the door leading to the kitchen.

"They understand that." He said. "Your family is really worried about you. They just want you to be ok."

"I know." She sighed. "The just have to face the fact that it might never be that way."

Ruthie knew that's not what people wanted to hear from her, but it was what it was. They just had to learn to accept it like she had.

"It feel like that doesn't it? But you're strong Ruthie. Right now you might not realize it, but you are. You'll get there."

"I'll never be ok." she determined.

"You seemed resolved enough to believe its always going to be that way." He observed.

"That's because I'm being realistic and know that it is"

He seemed hesitant, focusing intently at a spot of beige carpet.

"He's gone, but you're not." He began, with the same hesitation, "Mac wouldn't want this for you."

"Don't." she whispered, feeling a sharp pang inside at the mention of Mac name.

He was just like everyone else.

"He wouldn't Ruthie and you know he wouldn't. If he were here…"

"I don't want to talk about it." Ruthie interrupted abruptly, fighting to keep her voice leveled.

"I know it's hard for you to accept that he's gone-"

"Why does everyone think that I don't know he's gone" she yelled, all composure gone, "I know that! No one will ever let me think otherwise. But why can't any of you understand that I want to be left alone! I don't need for anyone to come over with their fake sympathies to tell me how sorry they are! Believe me no one is more sorry than I am! I just want to be left alone!"

"I should go."

And when Ruthie didn't object, he got up from the couch.

"I'm sorry Ruthie, I really am."

The way he'd said it to her, the pity in his voice.

Ruthie didn't know what he was sorry for what he'd said or for the whole situation, but she wasn't didn't care, she certainty didn't need his or anyone's else's pity.

Just then Annie came in carrying a tray with a pitcher of lemonade and Lucy, not far behind, holding four cups filled with ice.

"Oh you're leaving?" Her mom asked, looking clearly disappointed as she placed the tray down on the coffee table.

Annie's eyes darted from Martin to a silent Ruthie who was avoiding making eye contact.

"But you just got here Martin. You should stay a little longer, we have a lot to talk about." Annie insisted. "Ruthie don't you want Martin to stay?"

And all eyes turned to Ruthie.

Her eyes meeting his.

_No_, she wanted to say._ No I don't_, but that's not what came out.

"Whatever."

She gathered herself, got up and left.


	3. Chapter 3

_Snow White stitching up the circuit board. _

Ruthie stood looking at the outside world, like she had for the past weeks, from a window. She was getting accustomed to having to view the world from a distance without having prying eyes following her every move.

The morning joggers had already taking over the paths as bikers settled for the tiny road permitted to them along the main street. Ruthie had been in her room for most of the morning, hiding from her Lucy and her mom. She could hear their faint voices penetrating through thin walls and all she wanted was for them to stop. She craved the silence more than anything and just for a moment, as she placed both hands over her ears, did she enjoy the stillness and muteness of her surroundings.

She had achieved what she wanted. No one had tried to come after her like they usually did. Now, she was finally alone. Even if it was for just a moment, she basked in the little solitude they would allow her.

She had caught sight of Martin and her mom outside the doorstep not soon after. From a small opening, just enough to see outside, she followed Martin with probing eyes as he made his way down the path towards his car. He stopped, she observed, and turned his gaze upward. Ruthie took a step back even though she was certain he couldn't see her, and yet his eyes remained fixed there, enough time for her to wonder if Martin Brewer had developed some sort of power to see through walls, but when he looked away and didn't take a second glance, she knew that he hadn't seen her. There was also the likelihood that he'd known she was there, and like the others, had realized just how pointless it would be to try again. She didn't know why she felt a small pang inside at the possibility. How odd was the sensation, the feeling was almost startling. He wouldn't be the first to give up on her, she told herself. The engine roared to life. She followed the car with her eyes as it went down the street and as disappeared out in the stretch of road up ahead.

The baby kicked side. He was more restless now, especially when Ruthie needed someone to knock some sense into her. "It's better this way." She told him.

The doctor has said that he would be getting more active around the 28th week mark. She imagined his well-formed eyebrows and lids shaping around eyes that could now open fully. She wondered whose eyes he would have? Would they be brown like hers? Ruthie could not picture them, no matter how hard she tried, this way. A flash of almost honey eyes, much lighter than hers, with speckles of green around the iris came to mind.

Her thoughts were interrupted by a light knock on the door, and she didn't have to ask to know who it was.

"We have to talk." Lucy said.

The silence gone.

"Then talk." She answered tiredly. "Talk all you want."

Ruthie gazed at a young couple passing by.

"Please, can you look at me?" Lucy said as she took a bold step forward, "Its hard to have a conversation with your back. Especially if I'm trying to apologize."

Apologize? Ruthie felt a throb beginning to form at her temples.

"I didn't know you needed to apologize for anything."

There was an awkward moment when neither spoke.

"I-I know you heard me downstairs Ruthie." Lucy stopped then spoke again. "It was my frustration talking down there and I shouldn't have said those things, not in those words at least. You have to know that I didn't say any of it to hurt you, we—all of us are scared of the way you've been pushing people away, and—"

"And?"

"The baby. Ruthie you have to take care of yourself because he needs you to do that. The doctor said you needed to eat more. The baby comes first. Remember that. "

Lucy's voice rang with the conviction of some sort of advocate immersed in their fight for a great cause; it definitely was the preacher in her sister speaking.

Ruthie, though appreciative for her concern, never asked for it and certainly was not a 'cause' that needed to be taken on.

"The baby is fine." She murmured. How she craved the silence.

Had they both not been to the doctor's office but a day ago? Did he not say that everything was well if not the little anemia she had ever since she started her pregnancy? How convenient for Lucy to forget this when it came to make her point.

Ruthie could almost see Lucy's mind working to formulate her next argument, and for the sake of stopping the fight before it even began, Ruthie decided to speak again.

"I need time Luc, time to heal, time to comprehend, just time. It not as easy once you're at this end. I know that everyone wants for me to _fine_ but it can't be on your terms or the terms of any one else. I keep telling all of you this, and it's as if you don't listen."

"But we're here for you, you don't have to go through any of it alone."

Lucy hadn't understood anything.

"Peace, I just need peace. Is that so much to ask?" Ruthie hoped Lucy could understand that, at least.

"Ruthie." Lucy's voice grew softer as she spoke, the fight gone from her voice. "I know the pain of losing someone you love. I lost my twins and you lost your husband, and that is why I'm asking that you try, please try. I know that it s better to have the people you love around. Matt, Mary, Simon, the twins, mom and dad…me…we are here. Don't fell like you have no one. Promise me. Promise me that you'll come to us when you-can't handle- what ever it is…"

Ruthie turned around and registered her sister for the first time. Lucy's eyes gleamed with unshed tears, hugging herself instinctively when she let out a quiet sob.

Lucy was afraid. She tried to mask her face but it was hard for people like Lucy, who often wore their heart of their sleeve, to hide their true emotions.

Ruthie couldn't bring herself to move. "I won't hurt myself."

Lucy's eyes looked away in shame, serving as confirming that it was, in fact, the cause of her distress and breakdown.

Had she been that bad?

No, no.

"You're my baby sister." She managed to say.

"Is that what mom thinks too?" Ruthie was afraid of the answer once the question was left out for a response.

"She wants so badly for you to be ok, that I don't think she had even entertained the idea, but I know deep inside she knows."

"I wouldn't do it Lucy, not when he needs me." And she placed a hand over her heavy bump to reassure her.

"And after he's born?" Lucy wondered out loud.

It was Ruthie's turn to look away.

It seemed like eternity had passed by as the room filled with uncomfortable silence. The idea had only crossed her mind once, she admitted, but only once and that had been the day they had told her Mac was gone, and all she wanted was to be with him no matter what it would've taken to make that possible.

All Ruthie remembers of that day now are the faces of her dad, Kevin, and Sergeant Michaels when she opened the door. It was her father who held her when she let out the first scream. I'd been like something had been ripped something from her. They'd later recount the events to her. The weather had been bad that day. There had been a snowstorm the night before. Kevin had explained that the tires had lost traction, which caused the car to swerve, and Mac to lose control of the car. The car had hit some steel barriers. To Ruthie none of it made sense. Not then. Mac had been the most careful driver she'd known. For him to take the back roads instead of the main highway didn't made sense. It was her mind, trying to keep itself safe, she supposed. For hours after the accident, even with all the facts and proof that he was gone, she waiting for him. She waited and waited for him that night, holding hope that she'd see him walk up those steps, but he never did come.

In those hours she did wish that.

"Mac would never forgive me." She whispered with a sad smile.

Mac. Her heart ached.

"I wouldn't either." Lucy said quickly after, not leaving any room for Ruthie to think she ever had a choice. She had to live. Period.

Lucy's blotchy face seemed to ease from the release of tension she'd been holding.

"Then we will not talk more about it." She announced and wiped the tears away for her face.

Ruthie managed a nod and a tiny smile. It all she could give her, she felt this heavy, almost inexhaustible, weariness inside to do anything else.

"Do you forgive me then?" Lucy seemed uncertain, but less distressed now.

"There is nothing to forgive."

She would have asked for a moment to be alone, to gather her thoughts, because frankly she was so exhausted that all she wanted was silence, but there was one thing she still needed to know.

What they had spoken about after she left.

"Luc." She walked to her bed and sat as Lucy joined her. "Did Martin say anything?"

Lucy's lips quirked up, making good on her word not to speak about it anymore. For someone who had been left out of the inside joke most of the time and the last to know the secrets everyone already seemed to know, Lucy sure enjoyed the 'power shift' that had occurred in the past weeks. She was now the person who held the most secrets. Ruthie relinquished the throne gladly. It was something she could give Lucy that gave her at least some joy, and after having to sacrifice so much to be here with her instead of Kevin and Savannah, it still seemed so little.

"You mean after you left?" She asked.

Ruthie nodded.

"Lets see, lets see." Lucy went into concentration mode at that moment; Ruthie could tell she was really going over all the information she had gathered.

"A key, A key!" she exclaimed, and seemed proud to remember. She looked to the door, which remained slightly opened.

A key?

She put a finger up her mouth to signal Ruthie to keep quiet.

"I'm not suppose to tell you this," Lucy whispered jubilantly, "But why shouldn't you know. Its your house."

And in this Lucy found justification for her not keeping what ever it was she heard a secret. Ruthie now remembered why secrets had to be kept from Lucy, thought she meant well.

Ruthie peeked her head up to the door to make sure her mom had not walked by.

"What key, Luc?" She whispered. "Why does he want a key?"

Lucy leaned forward, "I don't know exactly what key, but its here in the house. Something about … " She hesitated, and looked around. "Mac, he was suppose to have it and apparently it's very important."

So there was the reason for Martin coming here.

What key was he asking about that was so important? Mac had never told her anything about it. He would have told her, because he told her everything. In fact, the last time they had seen Martin was about two years ago when he had come down to Glenoak for the holidays.

Ruthie had to know more.

"Lucy did he mention what the key was for?"

"No, I kind of over heard him asking mom when I was suppose to be getting the cookies. He just said that it was very important to find the key and that Mac might have kept it here. He asked mom if she could search for it, he even described it to her and then he asked her to promise not to tell you he was looking for it." Lucy finished as she considered the words she had just spoken. She frowned, "I don't understand why he wouldn't want you to know, I mean you probably know where it's located. Do you know where it's located?"

Ruthie shock her head. "Luc, I don't even know Mac was keeping a key for Martin, or why it would be so important."

Lucy seemed pensive. "I guess he doesn't want you to look for it because of how…you know, you reacted about Mac downstairs."

"You heard?"

"Thin walls." Lucy explained.

Of course.

"I'm just having a bad day." She covered her face with her both hands. "I really must have scared him."

"He also asked mom how you were doing." Lucy said offhandedly.

"What did she say?"

"That it's been a hard couple of weeks for you."

They had. Ruthie would not deny that.

"Describe it to me." Ruthie's whisper-y voice came back.

"What?" Lucy asked, confused.

"The key."

" Its small. Gold and it has the number 34 engraved on it. I think its 34."

Ruthie definably had never seen that key before. Could it really have been here at the apartment?

She needed a moment.

"Luc, don't think I'm kicking you out but can I have a minute to rest?" She asked, hoping Lucy would not take it the wrong way.

Lucy jumped out of the bed. "Of course, anything for my baby sister." She said affectionately.

She was about to walk out, when Ruthie called after her.

"Yes?" Lucy said as she turned around.

"The whole key thing…thanks for telling me."

Ruthie gave her a look that hopefully translated as appreciative.

"Your welcome" Lucy smiled, "I'll be our little secret."

Ruthie understood. She would not say anything. She would be doing her own investigation as to why Martin wanted that key.

When Lucy closed the door, she laid down.

Her eyelids felt so heavy now.

_Roses. White roses floating in dark waters as the waves devoured her into its depths. _

The nightmare still played in her mind.

What did it mean?

A/N: Its been a long time! I've been on an extended vacation, which totally rocked, but now I'm here writing again! I hope you haven't given up on me. I'm updating Blinding first because I really love writing it. I'm kind of proud of myself for having outlined it and even finished the ending! So this story is going somewhere:D For those waiting for an update on Late Night, well its coming! Thanks for the support!


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